


The Wheel Never Stops Turning

by authorwithoutaquill



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Dark Castle, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-22
Updated: 2015-09-22
Packaged: 2018-04-22 20:07:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4848785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/authorwithoutaquill/pseuds/authorwithoutaquill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A glimpse into Rumplestiltskin's thoughts at the end of Skin Deep, after Belle's gone from the Dark Castle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Wheel Never Stops Turning

His heart was beating fast. 

Too fast - as if it wanted to jump out of his chest. 

The anger was gone by now. 

He registered faintly that he should have felt surprised. 

But he didn’t. 

All he felt was… empty. 

He didn’t want to feel empty. That’s all he knew. 

Yet as he was standing in front of the window, hoping against hope that she would come back, but knowing with a leaden certainty that she won’t, his heartbeats felt forced. His heart shouldn’t be beating now that she’s gone forever. It just felt… out of place, somehow.

In another time, another life, he would have hated himself for thinking these thoughts. Now he was too tired to care. 

Too resigned to move. 

Too scared to stay.

So he did what he always did when his mind was in turmoil. He sat down to spin. It worked when his father abandoned him, when Milah left, when he lost Bae… And it had to work now too. He’d make it work. He didn’t have anything better. That’s because you don’t deserve anything better, he reminded himself bitterly. Sometimes he wondered… like when Belle came… But no.

The doors opened for him and he stepped inside the dining hall. He didn’t notice his trinkets, didn’t flinch as the light shone into his eyes through the windows where the curtains fell. 

Where She fell.

Where He caught her.

He forced his lungs to expand and let the air in. He wanted to choke, but was too scared of the pain. 

A coward. 

That’s what everyone always told him he was.

A coward, she called him.

Didn’t she see? Didn’t she know? What would he be if the curse was broken? What would remain? No masks, no walls, nowhere to hide from her. 

She would have left anyway. As soon as the curse was broken and she saw who he was - what he was… She would have run away. No, not run away. But he would have made her leave. The burning anger he saw in her eyes the day she left was still better than the pity, the shame, the desire for more that she’d have tried to keep hidden from him… Had she stayed… 

She deserved better and the truth was that he couldn’t be better. He was too scared to try to be better. Too broken, too battered, too abandoned…

He didn’t dare be better. 

Better was never enough. 

And he couldn’t be best. 

He wouldn’t be second best. 

So he sat, at his spinning wheel, like always, watching the strands of straw turn slowly into gold, the thread pooling at his feet, the wood creaking as he worked. The wheel turned round… and round.. and round… And for a moment he could forget that there was a girl who loved him, loved him because she didn’t know him… A girl who ruined everything by coming back… A girl who couldn’t ever love Him. 

Not him.

Not who he really was.

No one could ever love him.

Maybe she thought she loved someone, but that wasn’t him. 

Couldn’t be him.

He didn’t deserve to be him…

The tears ran down his face freely - in large drops and they hit the floor with an empty echo. Even his crying was empty. Empty was safe and you couldn’t freeze to death if you were icy cold to begin with. But he wasn’t completely hollow and that was the problem.

He didn’t know how to crush that last little blinking light of red inside his heart and it scared him. He didn’t want to be human. He was the Dark One, the all-powerful Dark One. He was a monster, true, but monsters do not feel pain. Being human did nothing but hurt him. So he chose to turn into a beast instead. He almost believed it too, until Regina came and he jumped at the chance to get Her back. 

Only to learn that now he couldn’t. He was too little, too late… 

He was always too little, too late. Except when he was too soon.

His head was spinning. ‘I’m starting to sound like Jefferson,’ he thought and giggled loudly. 

Maybe he’d have him over for tea. Jefferson did love a good tea party, after all. Yes, he’d definitely have him come over, just to entertain himself. The man was truly as backwards as anyone could get without disappearing into himself completely. He’d find some trivial things that the Hatter could help with and make an afternoon out of it. Perhaps he’ll even tell him a riddle about why a chipped cup is better than a proper one. See what he comes up with…

The wheel was still turning, even though there wasn’t any more straw left. His hands turned it slowly, carefully, almost caressing it as he closed his eyes and leaned back. 

Perhaps he’d even make tea.


End file.
